Meaningful Time With a Family Member Who Has a Terminal Illness

I have worked with many patients who are terminally ill and one of the common themes that I hear from them is: “My family and friends won’t talk to me about my terminal illness! It’s like I’m contagious!”

I believe that you need to just ask!

Ask what? “Are you comfortable talking about your diagnosis?”

If the answer is a “No” don’t just drop the question, turn it into an empathic comment, “If you ever want to talk, please know that I am here for you and if you don’t mind I may periodically check in with you.”

If they are open to talking about their terminal illness you can once again ask an open-ended question. “What were you feeling when you heard the diagnosis?” “Can you tell me how I can best support you?”

To focus on a more specific answer to your question, keep some of the following things in mind. Folks with a terminal illness have good days and bad days. If they are receiving chemotherapy for the treatment of CA, the first week of the Chemo may be a week of bad days. Bad day may mean nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness, or lack of appetite.

It’s O.K. to ask if this is a good day or a bad day? Your definition of meaningful may be much different than his or her definition of meaningful.

Doing the laundry, ironing your brother-in-laws shirts, picking up the dry cleaning, tiding up the house, or running errands may have more meaning that sitting with your relative and having deep conversations.

The latter sans the deep conversations can also make meaningful memories especially if you live miles apart. Ram Dass in his book How Can I Help wrote that one of the most meaningful things that we can do for someone with a terminal illness is to “just be there!”

Again it is important to take your cues from your family member and the best way to get those cues is to ask for them.

Be Well!

Lawrence J. Schulte, Ph.D., C.Ht.

Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology 1990-Present

C.Ht. Certified Hypnotherapist 2016-Present

Please visit my website: https://www.centerforadultdevelopment.com

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Are You Suffering From Pandemic Panic? Here are some Tips to Help You Control Your Anxiety

Are You Experiencing Pandemic Panic? These Tips Can Help You Reduce Your Anxiety.

It is normal to have some anxiety about this relatively unknown virus. You may experience some anticipatory anxiety not knowing if "You are at risk" or if you could contract the virus from a co-worker or pushing an elevator button. Because so many events, colleges, schools, and businesses are shutting down, we are in a period of national uncertainty. Years ago, two psychologists came up with the notion of  "Locus of Control." Moos and Tsu suggested that we have an "External Locus of Control" and an "Internal Locus of Control." With the level of unpredictability of the Coronavirus, it may feel that we do not have any control over it, and it has the potential to control us. The latter is a perfect example of an External Locus of Control. An Internal Locus of Control is an internal felt sense that I am in control of a particular situation and that it is not controlling me. Washing my hands and not touching my face are examples of Internal Locus of Control.

Increased stress from the Coronavirus can weaken our immune system and thus make us more vulnerable to infections and getting the flu. So what's a Pandemic Panicked Person to do? See that little 🍎symbol in the left-hand corner of your Mac? Scroll up to it and put your computer or tablet "to sleep!" If you have a cell phone in your hand, turn it off, the same with the TV. Repeated checking about the latest newsbreak from NPR, CNN, and MSNBC keeps you stimulated in a place of fear and anxiety. If you are obsessed with reading everything you can about the Coronavirus, it does nothing to decrease the possibility of you contracting the virus!

 

There are a few other reasons to disconnect from all electronic devices at least one hour before you go to bed. The blue light emitted from our cell phones and computers stimulates our brains and our whole nervous system. The blue light mimics daylight causing us to be more alert making it difficult to shut down our minds. Blue light also decreases Melatonin, which helps us sleep, and messes with our Circadian Rhythm so that we don't fully experience REM sleep or rest-filled sleep.  You can turn off your cell phone and then go a mindfulness meditation app like Headspace or Mindfulness.

 

Between November and the end of January, I was in Urgent Care four times, once with walking pneumonia and three times with an Upper Respiratory Viral Infection. In the first week, the doctor told me not to go to work because I was contagious, and she ordered me on bed rest. She told me that I needed sleep and lots of it. Well, if you know me spending 12 hours in bed is not my forte. During that week, I found that the more I slept, the better I felt. She also told me that when I started to get my strength back that I should go on short brisk walks. Increasing my heart rate would help reduce my risk of a reoccurring chronic condition. Getting out in the sun can increase the Vitamin D in your system, which is an immunity booster, and taking a walk; especially with a loved one or your dog can also help with any Coronavirus anxiety.

 

Should you wear a mask? Not unless you have a cough, the flu, or sneezing a lot. The Coronavirus is transmitted from one person to another via respiratory droplets. If you are standing within three feet of the person, there is a chance that you could become infected. The new Federal Guidelines suggest that people keep six feet of separation from each other. Droplets can land on doorknobs, elevator buttons, stairway handles, and any shared workspace. Use a pen or a piece of Kleenex to push elevator buttons, Kleenex when touching shared public spaces.

 

Please be kind and think about others. Don't hoard, pick up the used paper towel you dropped in the restroom, flush the toilet. Practice agape love, the selfless going out to meet the needs of another. If you have elderly family members or neighbors (60+), go grocery shopping for them, take them to doctor's appointments, and check in on them frequently. Isolation and loneliness exacerbate anxiety.  

 

Remember to wash your hands with soap and water for at least 30 seconds and leave the soap on for enough time for it to penetrate your skin. Another option is to use hand sanitizers with at least 60% alcohol. Don't touch your face if you have contacted a contaminated surface.

 

Be Well!

Lawrence J. Schulte, Ph.D., C.Ht.

Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology (1990-Present)

Certified Hypnotherapist (2016-Present)

www.centerforadultdevelopment.com

 

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